Tanya (Lёd)

2013 is not looking sunny for the galaxies far far away

  Tonight I had a chance to look at the preview of a few science fiction films that are scheduled to come out this year. I can’t say I am overly pleased with what I’ve seen so far.

  I’ll start with N.Shyamalan who’s recent work has been critically acclaimed in many reviews. For ‘After Earth’, if you take out first 20 seconds of the trailer it will appear to look like a rather twisted remake of the Lion King where the Smith family happened to be walking around rather unfriendly rain forest. Leaves me wondering if it’s just me who can see certain ironical remarks in this. Can’t say Will Smith is a legend in this one.

  Improvement shows the upcoming 'Oblivion’, where Tom Cruise plays a member of a 'mop up crew’ for the last of the vital resources left on earth after 60 years of continious battles. Rather basic plot is spiced up with a lot of conspiracy and side taking awaits; and, with regards to 'Minority Report’ previously executed to the highest standard, I dare to have faith in this film.

  When facing the scriptwriting crisis it is always safe to turn to the literature. Perhaps the only film I am really looking forward to in 2013 is the adaptation of Orson Scott Card’s saga 'Ender’s Game’ which picks on videogames and zero gravity simulators used in military sector as a way to train gifted children during the war with alien 'Bugger’ species. (no trailer yet)

  Not only it explores the subject of video game as reality-altering medium, but also shows something else - human race violently destroying an extraterrestrial civilization, which, as it turns out in the end, has something we can aspire to - one-ness, compassion and communication via telekinesis. Going deeper into critical theory, one might point out that this is a reference to a rather futuristic, higher evolved stage of a communist nation (only these nationals kind of resemble Zergs race from Blizzard’s Starcraft)

  The novel’s protagonist, Ender Wiggin, saves Earth from the Buggers, but can he save the entire s/f genre from the stereotypes it comes with? A Zerg illustration above strangely reminds me of miss Ripley and her offspring from Alien films. With all respect to Mr Scott, who made sure the s/f genre itself gets credits, maybe it is time to move on and explore different visual perspective on shape and form?

  The reason I am so in love with s/f is because I believe it is more about the present rather then the future, only with a very distinctive advantage - it gives us a chance to take look at the human condition from outside the box, almost using Hegelian method of argument. It makes my heart die to think that the genre could turn into monotonous race of pixel dimensions and flash graphics.

  All that’s left for me is to hope that science fiction is only hibernating in a state of adaptive inactivity. There are still numerous stories with captivating narratives that are influenced by relevant facts that are worth looking at; what is more bizarre, there are also novels..that have happened to predict a number of historical incidents. Mind over matter?.. I will continue this rather exciting conversation with myself and take a closer look at this later.

Goldfish Parasite Eve

  Today wasn’t going according to plan. Transport disruption, goldfish attention spans and zero productivity rates are hardly the only issues worth highlighting. After making few phone calls I have managed to get an idea what was going on.

  Sometime between interrupting my editor at friend’s dinner on Sunday (do editors even have friends?), cancellation of Wednesday production meeting and being reassured by my associate it was Xmas Eve tonight, I have guessed that Xmas usually happens from 23rd till 27th and causes pain in the ass. Having given up on work, I died my jacket’s fur with purple water ink and started to wonder how to spend this miraculous evening.

  Choice range varied from getting high listening to Depeche Mode b sides sharing cheddar with Mayfair (kitchen mouse) or going to a house party in north london with a dude I’ve met in a corner shop (currently also my business partner). I’ve chosen the 2nd option.

  Sometimes I wish I could relate to society in all the cuddling-near-fireplace-xmas routine as opposed to having-to-be-rescured-by-Finchley-Road-firemen-brigade-in-my-climbing-great-hights routine. 

  Isn’t Xmas Eve supposed to be like a prequel to Parasite Eve anyways? Well, I have a feeling I’ll see plenty of mutants on the London streets regardless.

Chip and Dales Strip Show

  Quitting smoking is probably the least glamorous thing in the world. Imagine you are awake on a saturday morning sipping on a cup of fine tea and typing your thoughts away. Something is missing right? A sleek and stylish virginia slims tensed between the index and see-u-later finger and a clowd of smoke gracefully drifting away from the alphabetical crime scene. Instead you see a lunatic staring into near distant space between the monitor and wine stains on the wall biting off skin around poorly manicured limbs (OR chewing away two packets of acid-flavored gum OR whistling the Resque Rangers main theme OR generally keeping mouth busy, yeah).

  The scary thing is this is just the beggining of the end. What next? Quitting driving while masturbating and talking on the phone!? Dystopian future will hit us sooner than we thought.

new column

  Being a true warrior of moral relativism, I am obliged to make some space in favor of this important theoretical concept. Where everyone sees opportunities, we see a fuck-us-over campaign. Where everyone sees exit, we see entrance without queuing. Moral relativists: questioning everything and explaining fuck all since the Printing Revolution. I feel truly honored, associating myself with such a fascinating movement. When I think of our pre-historical brothers not making much sense wasting papyrus in ancient Egyptian catacombs my heart fills up with nostalgia.

  Nowadays, moral relativism has evolved into a way of thinking and living. It came to a point where moral judgments became as helpful as Guy Fawkes joining a fire brigade. There isn’t single right or wrong. Fuck, that shit is exciting!

Manager, my ass

           

            

maxi pad

  So, overall, I have cleaned my room to extent that puts to shame any hotel antics, have done laundry and ironed everything that caught my glance including Always menstrual pads and a yoga matt. Swapped wardrobe with bedside table and pushed the bed against the window, which opened some extra space in favour of my inhabitated territory and made it easier for neighbours to see me masturbate. Applied to some job jobs as aposed to shit i-am-manager-of-this-building jobs and bare placements. Checked my email.

  And who said class A drugs are bad?

Braces-drill equasion

  Dentist smiled at me and said that he can close my front teeth gap within couple of hours. Amused, I looked up with a kind of I-am-meeting-johny-depp-tonite expression and asked if he’s fixing me with really good braces that work in seconds. He nodded and started to polish his drill. When my consciousness finally returned to me, it was evident: a gap between my front teeth the size of the English Channel was now gone. When I finished spitting out the blood, I have turned to the mirror and starred in disbelief: my teeth were perfect and my face was decorated with a new feature - a fuck-me smile.  

  Now let me tell you about teeth. Teeth have more functions than just carrot-crunching. Teeth can get you laid. Because even though the gap is gone, there are always other gaps to be fulfilled - now, that is a clear dependency ratio in fundamental equation of teeth, which you might have not considered before. Teeth and sexuality: the gaps in research.

  Thus, I am marking my personal singularity point, putting on a very provocative dress and storming off to the library.